March 30, 2015
I missed two days of QT, and I cannot miss it again, but I don't know what today's QT is about. It's a list of names that I do not know. It kind of feels like my life where I don't know what I'm doing, but I'm just doing it. I'm 30, and turning 31 within a month, and I know what I'm doing, but at the same time, I don't know what I'm doing. I guess I feel this way because I don't know what I'm doing in the business of youth. "Business of youth" is a term of I heard yesterday over a dinner feast I was invited to, and it's something I've not been all that passionate about. Perhaps it was sacrificed to make room for my "Business Business". I know what I'm doing in my "Business Business." It's hard, but also natural to me, and fun. I could work harder, but it's a creative process, and I'm happy with its progress and growth as it is not totally taking over my balance of life. I guess kind of know what I'm doing spiritually as well. I'm happy with its progress and growth, though I can certainly put more effort toward this as well. Where I'm kind of sucking is this area "youth business" like dating. I'm turning 31 soon, and I want to have found someone to love in marriage, but I'm not even dating anyone right now. It's almost coming to a year since I last dated, and perhaps I need to put more effort into this area. I don't put a lot of effort into it, not because I don't want to succeed in this area, but because I don't know what I'm doing, and I don't want to screw things up where things are much more difficult to patch when people's feelings get hurt, including my own. God has gifted me in many ways, but knowing what to do in this area is not one of them. Plus, I care too little about my clothes, or I care, but I don't want to put the effort it. I care about girls' looks a lot, possibly, probably more than I really should, but I can't lie to myself. Why then do I hope that they wouldn't care about my looks. The difficult part for me, I think, is choosing. I like white clothes, because it's like lack of color, or full of color scientifically, which probably is a color itself, but if I had multiples of one type of clothing of one type color, I wouldn't have to put effort into choosing between clothes. Choice means giving up another, and sometime I make wrong choices, and pay the consequences. One thing I'm so glad to have to chosen is choosing to believe, which was ultimately grace from God, but that choice was a hard one as well. I suppose "youth business" the choice is also a super important one. Not as important as choosing to believe, but more important than "business business" decisions or clothing decisions. They're all kind of connected. What I choose to wear, what I choose to believe, what I choose to do in business, and who I choose to be with, all mixed up in this life of happiness and confusion. So what do I do?
Application: pray, go to all morning prayers this week, fast Thursday lunch to Friday night